I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
