So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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