What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
