I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
