My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
