Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
