What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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