I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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