Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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