If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
