All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
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It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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