She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
