Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
