You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
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I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
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He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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