you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
