I hope mine doesn't look like that
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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