hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
