I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
