I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
