hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Randomize
