Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
