I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
