i think my tv is drunk
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Randomize