I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
