If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
