tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
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the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
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I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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