I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
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Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
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George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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