you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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