so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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