she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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