I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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