How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
