I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Enjoy the penises
Randomize