I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
