Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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