The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
