yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
