When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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