The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
