tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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