twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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