how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
