Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
