and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
