Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
