I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You ruined the universe
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
