It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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