we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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