I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
