For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
