Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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