I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
