she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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