Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
