i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
