If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
