I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
