Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
