it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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