tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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