Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
